Question by Susan Tusti: Too many fights and fiancee has “checked out”?
The gist is that my fiancee and I have been fighting a lot since our engagement in June. The fights have escalated to weird degrees and he says I’m too emotional and reactionary. On hindsight, I realize that I contributed to these fights and here are some of the reasons we argue:

* He moved in to my house a year ago and I’m afraid I may have acted like I could call some shots since I owned the place (like asking him to take out the trash and/or walk our dog). He often put stakes in the ground and refused to do things I asked.

* My mother was in a car accident 2 months ago and is still in the hospital. The time I’ve spent visiting he has weighed on me and he hasn’t been able to visit the hospital much because it reminds him of his parent who was sick a lot and passed away. I’ve resented the fact that he couldn’t always be with me when I visited my mom…and could have been more understanding.

* My fiance doesn’t always manage his money well enough to contribute to the bills on time each month. I may have used this as an excuse for me to belittle him sometimes. On hindsight, I think I adopted the position of being the “responsible” one and acted like he was the “irresponsible one”. He had a hard time engaging in the monthly budget exercise and bills paying. To fix this and since I make more, we discounted his share since he couldn’t afford to pay as much and we just started on a good plan this month.

* I’ve not been very open to his request that I wear sexier clothes more often. Instead of thinking he didn’t love me as me, I should have just listened to his needs and figured out ways to keep my own identity and meet his needs at the same time.

* I’ve gotten upset with him for seeking satisfaction through what I’ve identified as inappropriate relationships with women via his dating podcast (which he stopped), hobby of photographing aspiring fashion models, twitter, facebook, and myspace. We’ve had many many arguements over this. He admitted that his first wife was demanding and he may have been more flirtatious than he should be as an engaged man. He he has worked to modify his actions some to ensure that his interactions are appropriate.

* After a long day at work, I usually pour myself a glass or two of wine and retreat into my online course while he retreats into his flickr and social media. We don’t set aside enough time for us..

Anyway, two weeks ago, we were supposed to put the second deposit on the wedding location. He postponed the date without discussion.We both agreed to go to counseling and I’ve been reading books on communication and managing my stress and reactionary behavior. I also went out and purchased 2 dresses and some skirts. I thought we were making small strides to work through our issues together. I will admit that I was snippy at times because he made the decision to postpone the wedding date without discussing it with me. I was also a bit sick to my stomach because we lost our initial deposit.

A week ago, we had a horrible fight and he packed up a ton of stuff in his car and left. He said he needed some “space.” Anyway, he has been gone for almost a week, has shut down, and still won’t talk to me on the phone. Each day is draining me and making me feel neglected. He’s emailed me about logistical things…but when I call him back to chat, he doesn’t have time to talk to me and tells me that I have to wait for him to come back to me.

Also, my birthday is in 2 days and we were supposed to do something. He said that he still wanted to do something for my birthday..but I haven’t heard anything else about it from him. The whole thing is depressing!

I’ve really tried to give him his space. One relationship site I found advised that I email him loving emails that let him know I still love him…but don’t require anything from him until he can come out of his shell. I’ve sent small emails that say, “I hope you have a good day” and “I miss you.” A few days ago, he responded to one email and wrote “I miss and love you.” That sounds like he’s trying to process everything in his head. However, I’m still in the dark about what is going on.

None of my girlfriends have ever experienced this type of thing before and I’m trying to get some perspective.

I want this to work and I love him…., my biggest challenge is feeling neglected and alone on my birthday while my mom is still in the hospital. I need a shoulder and he’s not available. What should I do?

OMG! Thanks for all the replies. Especially considering my long….long question.

In answer to some questions…I’m 44 years old, he’s 39 and we’ve been together 2 years. We’ve lived together for 1 year.

I did not anticipate these issues before we moved in together.

Once we were living together, I was trying to keep the house going, help him feel loved, and also get what I needed (including money for the bills and help with the chores). I guess I shouldn’t have taken on all the responsibility in the relationship (-:

I really appreciate everyone’s responses. Writing this question and reading through everyone’s responses will help me process through this and determine my next steps.

My friends and family have already made many plans for my birthday…and, I have many hobbies and outside interests to keep me busy.

Thanks again everyone!

Best answer:

Answer by moonlight
Keep it up with the counseling – it will help you two sort it all out. Relationships are about give and take…and acceptance. Counseling is a very wise move…have patience and keep working it.

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